The baby diaries

I was flipping through the channel and I landed on Discovery Channel’s The Baby Diaries. This episode was about a mom who had 16 month old twin boys and a newborn baby. They were talking about how they were coping and how tired they were. Eventually they got to the point where the wife called her mom and asked her to come and help them. You could literally see how exhausted they were and how on the brink of tears she was in every interview. I bring this up because every so often I get a little surge of “oooh, I want a baby.” I really think that the main reason that I get these pregnancy pangs is that I feel alone here in Wisconsin. Of course John is here, but he’s in school and always studying, while I’m just here as this “homemaker.” You know, like I feel useless. I could go on and on about that, but this is about babies.

I get into these moods and luckily John is the level headed one, and just laughs at me. We’ve always said that it’d be just the two of us for at least two years. Right now we’re at 7 months. I’ve gone through so many different scenarios in my head of when I’d give birth to my first child—none of which was in 2009. There’s so many things I think about, mainly having to do with John’s schooling. He’s finishing his second year, which means he still has two more to go, with residency after that. Do I want kids while he’s in med school? First year of residency? Beyond that? Do I want a kid before I’m 30? Do I want to give birth in Wisconsin? California? Wherever else his residency may take us? The possibilities are exhausting.

Hormones aside, in my ideal world, I wouldn’t be giving birth to a baby until we had a stable home/house. And I think that’s the hard pill to swallow. I don’t actually know when we’ll be “stable.” If John decides he wants to do a specialty, his residency could easily be another 4 years. Do I want to be selfish and raise a baby by myself? John may be working 100 hour weeks during residency. I know he’d want to be there to watch his children grow up, but do I have to wait that long?

I’m envious of couples that are expecting a baby and get to decorate a nursery, and have that excitement of the arrival of their baby. I want all of that! But I don’t know when I can. I’d love to be back in California when I have my first baby, but that’d mean waiting at least 3 years. I can barely wait a year, how am I going to last that long! I need to keep my mind occupied. Dear God, let me pass my bar exam and find a job. I need to keep busy. I’m seriously driving myself insane. I think I get these feelings when I’m ovulating. Stupid hormones! Grrr…

Well, until that time…I can start collecting what my future babies’ nurseries may look like:

All images from here

So many gorgeous colors and themes. Some of these nurseries are seriously unbelievable. And well, looks like I’m going to have to wait a bit to get one of my own. I know it’ll be worth the wait. I just gotta get there. Just gotta get there.