A death in the family

A little after midnight on April 22 (April 21 still on the west coast), the phone rang. I thought it was weird since it was so late. The caller ID said it was my brother calling, and I knew something was wrong. He called me to tell me that my great grandmother (whom we call “nanay”) was rushed to the hospital because she was having a hard time breathing. My heart sorta stopped and I froze. As soon as the idea sunk, I began asking a million questions. My brother didn’t know anything aside from the fact that she was taken to the hospital. He had to hang up quickly and said he’d call me back when he got more details. After we hung up I felt numb. I didn’t want to cry because she had been in the hospital before, and I wanted to be as optimistic as possible. A mere five minutes later, my brother called me back to let me know that my great grandmother had indeed passed away. I was filled with tears, and couldn’t say anything. I quickly hung up the phone and just started crying. Full on crying. She was 97 years old, but I still believed that she would live forever.

It’s kind of ironic because about an hour before she passed away, I was telling John how awesome the week was, even though it was only Tuesday. John and I celebrated ten years of being together and my swearing in ceremony on Monday. I was so happy. But all that meant nothing once I heard of my nanay.

I immediately started looking into flights and when I could fly out. By this time it was already 2am my time. John had a bazillion school obligations to tend to, and we weren’t certain when the funeral arrangements would be made. John suggested we leave on Friday, but I wanted to leave as soon as possible. I knew I wouldn’t be able to bear sitting around and waiting until Friday to get back to California. So we caught the 6am flight back to CA. By the time we got back, I was just so exhausted from the flight and crying.

I spent the next week celebrating the life and death of my nanay with the rest of the family. It was really nice to be surrounded by my family, since I never see any of them living in Wisconsin. I have to say that this death is the closest person to me. My grandfather (my nanay’s son) passed away 8 years ago, and my great grandfather (my “tatay”) died in 2007. But my nanay…she held a special place in my heart. She raised all of my cousins, not to mention my aunts and uncles too.

It hurts so much because she was such a strong woman. She didn’t have cancer, or dementia, or alzheimers. She never had a stroke or a heart attack. She was a strong healthy woman. But her heart just couldn’t take it anymore. She had her only son die in 2001. Her husband suffered a major stroke in 2004, practically debilitating him, and his ultimate death in 2007. It was my tatay’s death in 2007 that broke her heart. I was so terrified for the year after my tatay’s passing. We all watched to make sure that she was given extra love and attention. I was worried that she would give up and not be around for my wedding. My mom likes to mention that she kept reminding my nanay of my wedding, and that my nanay was really looking forward to it.

She was so healthy and energetic at my wedding.

My nanay is on the far right. Those are her signature sunglasses. She wore them everywhere.

During my money dance, my uncle Anthony brought her over to me, and SHE proceeded to teach me how to dance. I was laughing the entire time. We were just dancing away, and she looked so happy.

Doesn’t she look fantastic for a 97 year old?!? So much life in her. My mom said that it seemed like my wedding was the last time she really had so much energy. After the holidays, she seemed to get really depressed and her will to live disappeared. She kept talking about how she wanted to go already, to be with my tatay and grandfather. She wasn’t the type to complain, and she had aches in her stomach. But she never wanted the doctors to fix it. She saw what happened to my tatay when he went to the hospital and didn’t want the same thing to happen. She eventually stopped eating. Her will to live was just gone.

At her funeral, John was a pallbearer. The only other funeral he’s ever been to was my grandfather’s, so this was a lot. Luckily he’s been around my family so long that my family has been his family long before we got married. He was honored to be a pallbearer, and I was lucky he came with me to California. All of his professors more than accommodated him. He’s lucky to have such an understanding school and faculty. My brother and sister made a song for nanay, it was awesome. My parents did the music, and I did programs and reception. Our family (and I also mean our extended family) tends to throw ourselves in work to show our love for one another. So everyone was working really hard to make sure that nanay’s service was beautiful.

It’s been 12 days since her death, and I still find myself crying a little bit every day. The thought of her not being there the next time I come home to CA breaks my heart. The thought of her not being around when my kids are born is heartbreaking. I try and tell myself that she’s happier now. She’s not suffering and she’s with my tatay. But I just want her to be there. There was always a language barrier between her and my generation. She spoke better English than I did Ilocano. But she was just so sweet. She spent her entire life as a homemaker. She took care of her entire family. She had two kids, eleven grandkids, twenty seven great grandkids and 3 great-great grandkids. Everything she’s ever done has been for her family.

Today I was watching The Notebook, and oh my gosh, it was probably one of the worse movies I could be watching after the funeral of my nanay. It’s such a beautiful story. But when they got to the part where Allie forgets who Noah is, and the nurses had to get sedate her, and Noah is crying, I just burst into tears. The whole ending just made me cry. They die together, and you’re supposed to be happy that they’re together in heaven. But all I could think of was that my nanay was gone.

I want to know when the crying will stop. When the tears will dry up. I mean, she was already very old. I knew she gave up her will to live. I should’ve been preparing for her death for a few months now. But I guess, how can anyone ever prepare.

My grandmother (my nanay’s daughter-in-law) had been taking care of my nanay ever since my grandfather left. Her health has deteriorated so much in the past year just from taking care of my nanay. She’s lost 20 lbs and looks so older. I didn’t realize how much it was affecting her until I saw her. It was so heart wrenching hearing her scream as my nanay was lowered into the ground. It’s so hard to watch that casket get lowered. I can’t believe how many funerals I’ve gone to in the past decade. In fact, the day John and I flew in, my dad picked us up and we went straight to a funeral (the father of an extended uncle). Insane.

Anyway, I just find myself thinking about her, so I figured I’d write about her. She was such an amazing woman. As Filipinos, we celebrate a 40 day memorial. It just so happens that the 40 day memorial falls on the weekend of my brother’s and cousins’ confirmation. I was planning on flying in that weekend already, so I’m happy that I can make it. I just have to keep reminding myself that she is in a better place now. And she’ll always be watching over us.